Steven Wright Lines

                                      
       I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
     You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
     
     I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
     I got a full house and four people died.
     
     Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated
     coffee table. They couldn't help me.
     
     What's another word for "thesaurus"?
     
     When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great
     parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me
     if I'm leaving.
     
     When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard.
     I was an only child...eventually.
     
     I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
     So I had to buy them again.
     
     For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.
     I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
     
     I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every
     once in a while I turn it on and off.  
     One day I got a call from woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
     
     I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.
     Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
     
     I wrote a song, but I can't read music.
     Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I
     wrote that."

     I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
     Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer &
     farther,trying to see it clearly).... and says, "Here, you can
     go."
     
     I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything
     specific.

     I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold
     out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it.  It was supposed
     to be 80 degrees out today."  I said "Oops..."
     
     I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures
     of cats on them.
     Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
     
     I spilled Spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.
     
     My neighbor has a circular driveway.  He can't get out.
     
     I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
     
     I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
     
     I have an answering machine in my car.
     It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm
     out."
     
     I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road.
     I don't know how I got there.
     
     I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
     So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

     A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go.
     You'll just be walking down the street and.................oohh,
     that's much better.
    
     I have a hobby.  I have the world's largest collection of sea
     shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe
     you've seen some of it.
     
     I Xeroxed a mirror.
     Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

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