- To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue. - A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on. - Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words. - Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation. - Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. - Two atoms run into each other. One atom says, "I think I lost an electron." The second atom asks, "Are you sure?" The first atom replies, "I'm positive." - Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines? - Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe. - Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common? A: They both involve sandy claws. - Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins. - Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself. - Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa? - Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind. - The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type. Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome." - Sign on Music Store: "Out to Lunch, Bach at 1:00, Offenbach at 2:00" - Did you hear about the guy who ran through the screen door? He strained himself. - California smog test: Can UCLA? - The competition at a local dog show was quite "Ruff" - Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel? A: Dis-gruntled. - A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co-workers recently complained about what a pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."
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