Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar

                       
 December 1
 
     Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.  Spray paint gold, turn
 
 upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
 
 
 
 December 2
 
 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
 
 answering machine.
 
 
 
 December 3
 
 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion
 
 cat-o-nine-tails.  Flog Gardener.
 
 
 
 December 4
 
 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
 
 
 
 December 5.
 
 Get new eyeglasses.  Grind lenses myself.
 
 
 
 December 6
 
 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
 
 
 
 December 7
 
 Debug Windows '95
 
 
 
 December 10
 
 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
 
 
 
 December 11
 
 Lay Faberge egg.
 
 
 
 December 12
 
 Take dog apart.  Disinfect.  Reassemble.
 
 
 
 December 13
 
 Collect dentures.  They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for
 
 decorative pie crusts.
 
 
 
 December 14
 
 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
 
 
 
 December 15
 
 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires
 
 are shot out at mall.
 
 
 
 December 17
 
 Childproof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
 
 
 
 December 19
 
 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height
 
 when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
 
 
 
 December 20
 
 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add
 
 a festive sparkle to the pasture.
 
 
 
 December 21
 
 Drain city reservoir;  refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
 
 cinnamon sticks.
 
 
 
 December 22
 
 Float votive candles in toilet tank.
 
 
 
 December 23
 
 Seed clouds for white Christmas
 
 
 
 December 24
 
 Do my annual good deed.  Go to several stores.  Be seen engaged in last
 
 minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less
 
 inadequate
 
 than they really are.
 
 
 
 December 25
 
 Bear son.  Swaddle.  Lay in color coordinated manger scented with
 
 homemade potpourri.
 
 
 
 December 26
 
 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
 
 
 
 December 27
 
 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
 
 
 
 December 31
 
 New Year's Eve!  Give staff their resolutions.  Call a friend in each
 
 time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

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