Read the Fine Manual

    
          IMPORTANT!  READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE

     Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
     would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
     you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
     maneuver.  Which is why we ask you to:

     PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU
     UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED
     IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND
     NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO
     YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD
     ALSO IS FIDDLING  WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK
     THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW
     THAT?!?

     We're sorry.  We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're
     always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that
     the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days.
     So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that
     your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it.
     OK?  Now let's talk about:

     1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE

     The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People,
     who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.

     PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S
     ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS
     WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.

     Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of
     engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering
     backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a
     bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the
     question.  It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is
     "Barker", if you get our drift.

     WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF
     THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.

     If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing
     one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling
     manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern
     Europe.

     Besides the device, the box should contain:

     * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
     * A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets
     and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

     YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
     cable.

     IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING:  You IMMEDIATELY should turn to
     your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a
     car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
     without a major transmission overhaul?  Because nobody cares, that's
     why."

     WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not
     Pete.

     2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE

     The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the
     electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing
     effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current
     to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug,
     then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other.  Your device
     is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of
     Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.

     DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!

     Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight,
     and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.

     WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A
     SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR
     EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.

     3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE

     WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL
     WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE
     INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS
     RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF
     "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

     INSTRUCTIONS:  For results that can be the finest, it is our advising
     that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!!  Except the battery.
     Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large
     occurrence!  However.  If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a
     very maintainence action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from
     Drawing B.

     4. WARRANTY

     Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding
     all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all
     defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and
     Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the
     Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our
     Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals
     designed to cleanse it of evil spirits.  This warranty does not cover
     the attractive designer case.

     WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER
     HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

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